The Resurrection A Comedic Parody
by Trixi-Bela Emma Meyhr
Summary: This is a comedic parody of the resurrection in an easy-to-read format. Please take no offence to my representation of God, Gabriel, Jesus or any other characters- as a devout christian this is how I see God.
1. Prologue

**The Resurrection – A Comedic Parody From God's View! **

**A/N: This story was part an RS project I did last year. I thought it was quite funny, so yeah. Enjoy!  
Please note that the text in bold is a quotation from the Bible.**

**Prologue**

I watched him being carried to his tomb, and I couldn't bear it. He was my son after all. I knew I had promised him a resurrection, but I still didn't know how I could help the people on earth to believe.

"Sir?" Angel Bob asked me. "Yes," I answered wearily. Being God wasn't always great. You had to make tough decisions, and cater for all beliefs. The dead people were also quite often infuriating because they expected more from heaven that there actually was. "God, Mary Magdalene is approaching the tomb." I turned on the satellite TV and zoomed in on the situation. "Is it morning already? There's never any rest around here," I grumbled, and Angel Bob shrugged. "Oh well," I sighed, and turned on the sound.

One of the perks of living in Heaven is that you have unlimited technology, and luckily some clever person had invented surround sound, so it was like being in an iMax 3D cinema. On the screen Mary Magdalene was walking with the other Mary portrayed against a (even I have to admit) stunning sunrise, carrying bowls of spices. "What are they doing Sir?" Angel Bob asked. I patted the white sofa, and Angel Bob sat down next to me. "Angel Bob, my friend, she is going to mourn over my earthly son." Angel Bob nodded, and fixed his gaze upon the screen. Now, Angel Bob was my butler, waiter, cook and best friend, so he was always was by my side. I'm kind of assuming here, that you know the biography of my son, so you will have been introduced to Angel Gabriel my field angel and spy, from special interceptions HI6 (Heaven Intelligence sector 6). He was rather annoying sometimes, as after each mission he demanded a pay rise. "It's time," I said, and Angel Bob got up and called Angel Gabriel's mobile. They had a short conversation, and Angel Bob snapped his mobile shut. "He's on his way," he confirmed, and I leant back to enjoy the show.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please note that the text in bold is a quotation from the Bible.**

**Chapter 1**

Angel Gabriel floated down from heaven (secret location) and moved the stone. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary could hardly believe their eyes. Their eyes hung out on stalks as Angel Gabriel finish moving the stone and then sat on top of it. I smiled, and paused the Earth for a moment, waiting for Angel Bob. He loved watching this sort of thing. I knew now, from the expressions on the women's faces that they would believe in my "miracles" whether Jesus was there or not. I also knew however, that if the women didn't tell the apostles about this, and therefore don't go to Galilee to Witness Jesus' rising to the Holy Spirit (a good friend of mine, but that's another story) Jesus dying would have been in vain. And however powerful I was, I couldn't reverse death for more than a few days. Angel Bob sat down on a chair in front of the screen, and I pressed play.

For this particular mission Angel Gabriel had chosen the "classic" look: White clothes, and unspeakable beauty, plus the hat (aka Halo). For those who didn't know how annoying he was, you could have mistaken him for a perfect person. Far from it. The guards who were supposed to be guarding Jesus' tomb were trembling, quite obviously scared of Angel Gabriel. **"You must not be afraid,"** Angel Gabriel said. **"I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has been raised, just as he said. Come here and see the place where he was lying. Go quickly now, and tell his disciples, 'He has been raised from death, and now he is going to Galilee ahead of you; there you will see him!' Remember what I have told you."** The women left the tomb, glad to be away from Angel Gabriel, because even though in their eyes he was beautiful, he also scared them because he was so different from all humanity they had ever known. They ran to tell the disciples what had happened, but suddenly Jesus came and appeared to them. "What is he doing?" I shouted, and jumped up. This WAS NOT part of my grand plan. Muhahahaha. "Calm down, Sir, Jesus is only paying his respects to the women," Angel Bob said, and pushed me back down on the sofa. "Relax!" he added, and went back to sit down. Jesus was infuriating sometimes. This wasn't what we had discussed! The plan was for Angel Gabriel to tell Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to tell the apostles to go to Galilee where they would see Jesus in all his glory. But, as usual, Jesus had a plan of his own. Admittedly, last few times he went against the plan it worked out just as well, or maybe even better, but still, I was God, the all powerful, the all seeing.

"**Peace be with you,"** Jesus said. The women fell to the ground, not believing once again what their eyes were telling them. They worshiped him, at his feet. **"Do not be afraid,"** Jesus said to them. **"Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me." **Hadn't Angel Gabriel just said that? "Angel Bob, he ruined my plan!" I moaned, and Angel Bob came to sit next to me. "How so Sir?" he asked me. "The women were meant to see him in Galilee, and in Galilee only, it would have a better effect. The whole, you-are-blown-away thing, you know. When Jesus gets here, he and I will do some serious talking." Angel Bob shook his head. "You can't take control over people's lives, you know. You can give them opportunities and nudge them in the correct direction, but at the end of the day it's their decision, what they do on Earth or Elsewhere," Angel Bob reminded me. This was true, sure, but I liked being right. I don't think I have met anyone who doesn't.


	3. Chapter 2

Emily B. Hammer

**A/N: Please note that the text in bold is a quotation from the Bible.**

**Chapter 2 – 3 Earth Days Later**

Now the resurrection had happened, and I had Jesus before me. "You seriously need to rethink your fashion sense," Angel Bob commented to Jesus, who then stared daggers into his back, but remained placid as a Golden Retriever. "Angel Bob, offer my son a drink please," I asked, and Angel Bob disappeared for a moment- seemingly into thin air- then reappeared in a Butler Uniform. "What can I get for you Sir?" Angel Bob asked Jesus. "I shall have what the Lord commands," Jesus answered. I rolled my eyes. "Just choose already!" Jesus chose water, and sipped it out of a bowl. "The drink here is heavenly, father," he said, and I laughed. Great pun. Angel Bob retreated to a corner. "Sit down then. I don't have all day," I said. Now, that wasn't entirely true, but it's a figure of speech. Jesus took MY place on the white sofa, but I, for once, decided not to complain. "I cannot believe this realm you have thrust upon thou self," Jesus spoke. "It is the most spectacular Kingdom I have ever seen." It wasn't very high praise, because Jesus hadn't even left the country, but still. "I would like to scold you for behaviour," I said, not dilly-dallying, getting to the point. His expression remained blank. "Have you ANY idea how wrong that could have gone?" I shouted, standing up and showing myself to him in my divine and Godly form so he had to look away. Even Angel Bob had to avert his eyes. I heard a knock on the door, and returned to my Miami Beach-Boy look. I added a sun hat as an afterthought. Angel Gabriel opened the door. "Am I disturbing something?" he asked sarcastically. "No, not at all. What's up?" I asked him. Jesus looked a little confused, and I reckoned that he had no idea what we were saying. "I was just wondering about that pay rise..." he said. That just drove me that bit too far. "YOU'RE FIRED!" I screamed. "Uhhhh, ok. Why?" he asked timidly. "I AM NOT AN UNLIMITED MONEY SOURCE! I PAY YOU A FAIR PRICE. NOW GET LOST!" He left the room, for once quaking in his boots. I couldn't believe I had actually done it.

"Ha!" I said, and danced a little jig. Angel Bob picked up on my good mood and started playing the song 'No No Never'. Jesus held his ears shut and rocked in his seat. I guessed he wasn't used to this. "I forgive thee," I said to him during an instrumental part. He nodded and bolted for the door. Good for him. He deserved his paradise.

THE END


End file.
